Psychology and the act of self-analysis 101

This is a) long b) rather heavy and c) a tad raw.

You have been warned.

And please, no sanctimonious, self-serving comments.

We all have faults, habits and traits in our characters. Behaviours that hold us back, that we are not proud of, and against which we must chose to fight to overcome, let it over power us and leave us beaten, or completley deny the fact that such behaviours even exist; I often chose the latter.

I have only recently discovered one of my faults....or maybe I should say I have only finally acknowledged one of my faults. One of many, of that I have no doubt.

I never complete things. I leave things abandoned in mid-completion. I go from total manic, obsessive, all-consuming attention to nothing. You've heard of zero to sixty? Well I go from sixty to zero, in the blink of an eye.

School in general is probably the largest example of this. Each semester I look forward to a "fresh new start"; a new beginning in which I can try to convince myself that I am going to improve and show that I have learned from my previous mistakes, mainly being lack of effort in courses. Like clockwork, I jump in with both feet upon the beginning of classes and I am so interested in the material that I begin reading my textbooks even before classes start. If I were to keep that pace all semester perhaps I'd have a chance in hell in getting my gpa to the 3.7 I need for admission into the Psych Honor's program. However, the reality is that once I get to the point of where I am expected to do such studying, I pull a complete 180 and pretty much put away my books for the semester. What is it that changes my interest? Is it after so may years of rebelling that it is a learned behaviour to do exactly the opposite of what I am expected to do?! Nonetheless, at the rate I am going, if I don't continue to put effort forth in my courses, I won't have any classes to go to. To make matters worse, and as I am painfully reminded on almost a daily basis, I will be serving at BP's for the rest of my life (and possibly living in a rundown trailer, barefoot and pregnant).


Earlier this year I rediscovered the amazingly addictive world of RPG's. I got sucked in really, really fast (like I always do). I built up a wonderful character and took him through level after level of the game, spending hour after hour submersed in this culture. The highest level is level 60. I am at 59 3/4. I walked away from the game with literally a few bars of experience left to go to ding my 60. I stopped playing cold turkey. I can't explain why. In addition, now that I think about it, I have never actually finished a game. Be it an rpg, mario, or any type of level-based game, I get right near the end...but never play to the ending scene and credits... for some reason, I abruptly lose interest.

Just looking around my home and at my life I can see examples of this. Projects and personal goals that lie on the verge of completion - and I wonder why I get within inches of the finish line. Why I am within a hair's breadth of the brass ring...and I fall back.

I have determined that I am afraid of success. I am afraid of reaching the top, achieving my goals and either not finding personal fulfillment ...or not being accepted by others. I think one of my biggest fears is that after giving it my all, someone could still turn around and say, "not good enough". The expression "Ye have been judged, and left found wanting" could be on my coat of arms.

Please, anyone reading this with no self-esteem issues of your own, don't lecture me that the only person I need acceptance from is myself, that the only person that matters is me, that to thine own self be true, self love blah blah blah... - I know that, I am not stupid. My inner-self doesn't accept that however.

French 111 is a painful example of how I am unable to finish things yet afraid of failing. Not once, but twice now I have failed french. However, if failing a course isn't bad enough, the reason I failed (twice!) is because I just gave up, got lazy, got behind in the course, and said "fuck it" and both times, didn't even bother going to class post-midterm time and didn't even bother writting the final exam. Perhaps, had I attempted to catch-up before the final, and actually wrote the final, I would have passed the course. Even if I would have got a really shitty mark, it would be better than a 0!!

After analyzing the reason I gave up however, I have determined that like so many other "irresponsibles" (Psychology Today Jan 07) out there, I rather be known for lack of effort than to be known for failing. At least without trying I can justify my actions and tell myself that had I tried, I could have done it, but I just chose not too. That way I am left in control, thinking I am better than I possibly may be, but at least I don't have to face that failure.
The truth is however the pain of rejection is still there, the sting of failure hurts and one starts to feel demoralized to the point where you wonder, "Why even try?"

So I use my failures...and my perceived failures as my armour. They protect me from rejection. Without them I am stripped bare, on display, to be judged. With them, I can continue to glide under the radar, unnoticed.

Well they say that 90% of the problem is identifying and acknowledging the issues at hand...now I just have to figure out a way to fix it.

On the other hand I could be 100% off track, and it could just boil down to the fact that I am a lazy bitch with severe ADHD....Ritalin anyone?