Hand Banana:


Haha, from one of my favorite series "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" come the hillariuos episode "Hand Banana" where Frylock creates a dog for Meatwad .

Psychology and the act of self-analysis 101

This is a) long b) rather heavy and c) a tad raw.

You have been warned.

And please, no sanctimonious, self-serving comments.

We all have faults, habits and traits in our characters. Behaviours that hold us back, that we are not proud of, and against which we must chose to fight to overcome, let it over power us and leave us beaten, or completley deny the fact that such behaviours even exist; I often chose the latter.

I have only recently discovered one of my faults....or maybe I should say I have only finally acknowledged one of my faults. One of many, of that I have no doubt.

I never complete things. I leave things abandoned in mid-completion. I go from total manic, obsessive, all-consuming attention to nothing. You've heard of zero to sixty? Well I go from sixty to zero, in the blink of an eye.

School in general is probably the largest example of this. Each semester I look forward to a "fresh new start"; a new beginning in which I can try to convince myself that I am going to improve and show that I have learned from my previous mistakes, mainly being lack of effort in courses. Like clockwork, I jump in with both feet upon the beginning of classes and I am so interested in the material that I begin reading my textbooks even before classes start. If I were to keep that pace all semester perhaps I'd have a chance in hell in getting my gpa to the 3.7 I need for admission into the Psych Honor's program. However, the reality is that once I get to the point of where I am expected to do such studying, I pull a complete 180 and pretty much put away my books for the semester. What is it that changes my interest? Is it after so may years of rebelling that it is a learned behaviour to do exactly the opposite of what I am expected to do?! Nonetheless, at the rate I am going, if I don't continue to put effort forth in my courses, I won't have any classes to go to. To make matters worse, and as I am painfully reminded on almost a daily basis, I will be serving at BP's for the rest of my life (and possibly living in a rundown trailer, barefoot and pregnant).


Earlier this year I rediscovered the amazingly addictive world of RPG's. I got sucked in really, really fast (like I always do). I built up a wonderful character and took him through level after level of the game, spending hour after hour submersed in this culture. The highest level is level 60. I am at 59 3/4. I walked away from the game with literally a few bars of experience left to go to ding my 60. I stopped playing cold turkey. I can't explain why. In addition, now that I think about it, I have never actually finished a game. Be it an rpg, mario, or any type of level-based game, I get right near the end...but never play to the ending scene and credits... for some reason, I abruptly lose interest.

Just looking around my home and at my life I can see examples of this. Projects and personal goals that lie on the verge of completion - and I wonder why I get within inches of the finish line. Why I am within a hair's breadth of the brass ring...and I fall back.

I have determined that I am afraid of success. I am afraid of reaching the top, achieving my goals and either not finding personal fulfillment ...or not being accepted by others. I think one of my biggest fears is that after giving it my all, someone could still turn around and say, "not good enough". The expression "Ye have been judged, and left found wanting" could be on my coat of arms.

Please, anyone reading this with no self-esteem issues of your own, don't lecture me that the only person I need acceptance from is myself, that the only person that matters is me, that to thine own self be true, self love blah blah blah... - I know that, I am not stupid. My inner-self doesn't accept that however.

French 111 is a painful example of how I am unable to finish things yet afraid of failing. Not once, but twice now I have failed french. However, if failing a course isn't bad enough, the reason I failed (twice!) is because I just gave up, got lazy, got behind in the course, and said "fuck it" and both times, didn't even bother going to class post-midterm time and didn't even bother writting the final exam. Perhaps, had I attempted to catch-up before the final, and actually wrote the final, I would have passed the course. Even if I would have got a really shitty mark, it would be better than a 0!!

After analyzing the reason I gave up however, I have determined that like so many other "irresponsibles" (Psychology Today Jan 07) out there, I rather be known for lack of effort than to be known for failing. At least without trying I can justify my actions and tell myself that had I tried, I could have done it, but I just chose not too. That way I am left in control, thinking I am better than I possibly may be, but at least I don't have to face that failure.
The truth is however the pain of rejection is still there, the sting of failure hurts and one starts to feel demoralized to the point where you wonder, "Why even try?"

So I use my failures...and my perceived failures as my armour. They protect me from rejection. Without them I am stripped bare, on display, to be judged. With them, I can continue to glide under the radar, unnoticed.

Well they say that 90% of the problem is identifying and acknowledging the issues at hand...now I just have to figure out a way to fix it.

On the other hand I could be 100% off track, and it could just boil down to the fact that I am a lazy bitch with severe ADHD....Ritalin anyone?

Country or City?

How CITY am I??

[x] I've been to Starbucks more than once in my life
[x] I watch my back when I am walking
[x] I shop at AE, A&F, or HCO, Hot topic, kohls
[x] I own 2 or more polo shirts
[x] I will never be caught without my cell phone
[x] I straighten, mouse or blow dry my hair on a daily basis
TOTAL: 6

[x] I wear flipflops alot
[x] I own an oversized pair of sunglasses
[x] I own 1 or more pairs of FASHION-ripped jeans
[x] Sometimes I layer my shirts
[x ] I will do anything to get the best Myspace pic
TOTAL: 11

[x] When I'm not drinking starbucks I prefer water
[x] I get annoyed with tom-boys
[x] I own more than one hat
[ ] I have seen every episode of Laguna Beach
[ ] My new addiction is 8th & Ocean or the Hills
[x] I say "lol" in every other sentence of every online conversation
[x] I own some tight jeans
TOTAL: 17

[x] I wear large necklaces
[x] I own an iPod/mp3 player/cd player
[x] The internet = survival
[x] One of the sports I play/played is football,Baseball,Basketball, Volleyball,Softball
[x] I have more than 1 online screen name
TOTAL: 22

[x] have said "lol" or "OMG!" in a real conversation
[x] I love shopping
[x] I shop whenever I have a chance
[x] I own a bathing suit that cost more than 100 dollars
[x] I have watched the Simple Life
TOTAL:27

***add x's and multiply by 3 ***

"I'm 78% city"

How COUNTRY am I?

I have...
[x] Ridden a horse
[] I have/had a horse
[] Owned land
[x] Been 4wheeling
[x] Said "ain't"
[x] Been cow-tipping
[x] Been deer hunting
[x] Been swimming in a lake..
[x] Caught a fish
[x] Seen a deer get skinned
Total: 8

[x] have worked on a ranch or on land
[x] have lived in a house in the middle of nowhere
[ ] have been bird hunting
[x] have gone swimming in a river
[x] driven or have owned a pick up
[ ] own a rebel flag
[x] like to fish
[] have a funny accent... or that's what people tell you
[x] own/owned a pair of cowboy boots
[x] own/owned a cowboy hat
[x] own/owned a big dog
[] sometimes say "y'all"
[] have gotten made fun of for sayin "y'all"
Total: 15

I also...
[x] cuss when you're mad
[ ]have dipped/dip snuff
[] go to church on sunday
[ ] owned/own a bird dog
[ ] have ridden in a lawn tractor to somewhere in town
[x] have gone on a field trip to a farm/ranch
[x] have eaten deer meat
[] have shot a gun
[] own a gun
[x] park your vehicles in the yard
Total: 19

I..
[] have gone shopping...for a gun
[] get the kids in your family a toy gun for christmas
[] wear long sleeves even in the summer
[x] know what stirrups are
[x] have fed the deer
[ ] had a dog named dixie
Total: 21

*** add x's, multiply by 3***

"I'm 63% Country"

(courtesy of Ellen)

My Celebrity Look-alikes

Have a heart.....or buy one from me.

So its pretty sad when my shinning moment has do do with my job at Boston Pizza, but I think the reason I am especially proud of my latest accomplishment is because I have never considered myself to be able to sell anything - not that I want to.

So from Feb 1st to Valentine's Day, all Boston pizzas sell little paper hearts for $1, you may be familiar with them or noticed each establishment plastered with them during Feburary ...and of course, all proceeds go to the Heart and Stroke Foundation.

Anyway, all servers at our location are divided into 5 teams, each competing to sell the most hearts for prizes.

Since the 1st, I had only worked one shift previous to Wed night (the night I'll be reffering to) and I bartended that shift so I was to busy and chose not to sell any hearts. So when I got to work on Wednesday, the captain of the team I am on Nancy was bugging me about being pretty much the only person to not sell any hearts. For good reason, she joked that I wasn't pulling my weight on the team. So I assured her I would do my part and sell a bunch. Of course I didn't know that that night I was going to sell 662 hearts!!!

Within being on shift for 5 minutes I had already sold 50 hearts, but I really didnt have to try cause one of our regulars Shane had already bought 160 from Monkia on my team and he said that he wanted to help us win.

Anyway, later on that night I had two guys come in and had been drinking for a while. They asked what the deal with the hearts was, and I told them. They told me they wanted to help me win, but would buy some hearts later on. Subsequently, two other guys (Dan and Trevor) were in playing pool and told me that they would match whatever the other guys were going to buy. When I went back to talk to the two guys from P.R. Oil, they told me that they wanted to buy 300 hearts from me. The boss gave us a goal to reach, if we sold 300 hearts we'd get a paid day off...and these guys wanted to make sure I'd get that paid day off. When I told Dan and Trevor that the other guys were going to buy 300 they were hesitant to spend $300 on hearts (naturally) but honored the agreement (although I wouldn't have held them to it). He he, so right there I managed to sell 600 hearts, quite effortlessly!

All in all, over the two week period I managed to sell 742 hearts and most importantly raised $742 for the Heart and Stoke Foundation. As a result, our team won for most hearts sold, I got a paid day off, and get a prize for selling the most hearts.

I just never have been good at, or interested in selling anything, and I realize that selling things for a good cause is easier but I still didn't think I'd sell that much...especially without really having to do more than ask nicely.

Reminiscent of "the old days"

I don't know if its because I've been away from "home" latley or if I just really miss Jodi and Jen that much, but I've been looking at pictures and thinking about how life used to be when we had a house full of girls. On that note, I found a funny blog posting on one of my other (many) profile sites and I thought I would share it...we sure got a kick out of it!



(May 2005)

"Well, today I stayed home "sick" from work. After spending the weekend out at my boyfriend's farm, I needed to get some things done at home. I wanted to put up some shelves that I bought but instead, my roomate Jen had the ingenious idea of using the scrap wood and carpet we have to build a cat box for our cat Bailey. Well, that was a shit show if I've ever seen one. As if it wasn't bad enough that we were cutting the wood with a drill, but we both emerged from the basement covered in silicone and high from all the fumes. We then went outside to paint. I think the trees and the lawn got more paint than the box actually did (and it was a pretty bright blue). When the box was finally assembled, and I'm talking like 5 hours later, Jen pressed down on the box and it broke. After all that, we weren't about to throw it out, so we just reinforced it with duct tape. It is the most ghetto, white trash peice of "furniture" I have ever seen, so it will stay in the basement. But hey, atleast we built something! Who said girls can't build stuff!"

This "cat box" was freekin hilarious! We built the box itself out of pieces of drywall, nailed and siliconed together. We then, because of lack of a saw (or did we break it? I don't remember) had to cut a 2x4 into 4 (kinda even) pieces for the legs. We then covered the box in scraps of carpet with a staple gun (many of which only went half way in). Like I said, it then wasn't very sturdy (and the roof caved in) so we wrapped duct tape all around it (who knew drywall isn't sturdy). The funny thing is, this pathetic looking unit, which Bailey (for good reason) was too scared to go in, sat in our livingroom for a few months before bitting the dust and going to the dump. But I did manage to keep it long enough to show it off to my Mommy, she was so proud.. wait she laughed at us.
Oh well, it was a great day and the funny thing is, if I remember correctly, Jen and I both got paid for that day off, hahaha.

Some words of wisdom.....


Here is a great e-mail I received from a very sweet, caring, smart person in my life. It really made me think and I think it could do some good for us all:


"Maybe"

Maybe... God wanted us to meet the wrong people before the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be greatful for that gift.

Maybe... when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times we will look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has opened for us.

Maybe... it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe... the happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes their way.

Maybe... the brightest future is based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't successfully go on in life until you let go of past mistakes, failures, and heartaches.

Maybe... you should dream of what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be. You only have once chance to do all the things you want to do.

Maybe... there are moments in life when you miss someone - a parent, spouse, friend - so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.

Maybe... the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Maybe... you should always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it will probably hurt the other person too.

Maybe... you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is to simply keave them alone.

Maybe... giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their heart. If it doesn't, be content with the fact that it grew in yours.

Maybe... happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched and all those who have tried. Only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe... you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile. It takes only a smile to make a dark day bright. Find the one who makes your heart smile.

Maybe... you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

And the last maybe... when you were born you were crying while everyone around you was smiling.
Maybe... you should try to live your life so that when you die, you are the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Tag-Teamed

Apparantly there is a tagging thing thats going on around the internet showing up on people's blogs. The usual bullshit where you have to list I believe 5 facts or secrets that people don't know about yourself. I guess a while ago I became part of this tag because I was tagged by both Matt and Dani on their blogs. However, because I have been mia on my blog (and the internet) lately, I only just now realized that I should respond to this tag. I guess that's what happens when you don't get your head out of your own ass to realize what's going on around you! So, for the sake of entertainment (and according to Matt, internet law), I will participate by listing some secrets. I know I have a few interesting skeletons in my closet, but for the most part, I am pretty open about my life and my past....this really isn't as easy as it seems.

So here it goes:

1. I attended Narcotics Anonymous at 13 years old after I left home to live with a 28 year old guy and got addicted to cocaine. This is the real reason I want to work for AADAC as a youth drug counselor so that I can help young teens just as my school counselor helped me realize how I was throwing away my life.

2. I am madly in love with Dennis Rodman. Since I was 12 I have had a healthy obsession for him, even the "91" in my e-mail address is because in his best basketball years when he played for the Bulls that was his number. I have his books and many, many pictures of him, and when I had a shaved head, I used to color it all the time, just as he did, and my friends called me "Dennis" during that time.

3. I have cheated on every single on of my boyfriends. I know...its disgusting and I am ashamed of it! I honestly think I may have a problem and am now vowing to never, ever cheat on anyone ever again. I need to figure out what (aside from being wasted drunk) is the reason for the infidelity.

4. Super Mario World (and SNES in general) is my favorite game in the world! I could play it forever and never get sick of it; and now, thanks to Chris' setting Jodi and I up with a moded Xbox, I can play it forever...YAY!

5. I was only 18 months old the first time the cops came to my parents door because of me...and believe me, it wouldn't be the last.

Some of these facts may have been known to many, maybe some weren't. I don't care, my life is an open book and as you know, I never have any problems talking about myself.